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ajayinthedark
APRIL
for richer and for poorer [These are ofc taken from the traditional wedding vows, but I also tried to thematically connect each section back to these. The April section is a bit of a window into both their careers, and the “KUN EXPOSES CHENLE ON ACCIDENT” scene was going to be in April; I thought it would be weird to open the month with something so climactic though, so it got bumped back to March.]
🌷 [Each “epigraph” has a different flower, and the last epigraph is a bouquet :)]
In the past two months, Chenle has become more than acquainted with windswept hair, work slacks, out of breath Renjun, to the point where he doesn’t bother looking towards the bathroom door when he hears it slam open. [Upon rereading this scene, I’m really annoyed by how muddled the blocking is LMAO. What I was imagining is a small bathroom where the sink is on one side, and the bathtub/shower is on the other side, like a galley bathroom, with the door situated in between. Renjun slams open the door and stays in the door frame area standing over Chenle, who’s sitting down on a little bathroom stool. It creates three different levels: Renjun tallest, Chenle middle, Daegal shortest. When Renjun gets tackled by Donghyuck later, Donghyuck tackles him into the hallway, pushing him out of the “frame” of the door, sitcom style.
I don’t know if that makes any more sense, but I had to clarify, because oftentimes I write my fics with very specific blocking in mind. A combination of my years of theatre experience and my love for movies has made me really particular about positioning. When I write, I often make thumbnail sketches, storyboard style, of the positions and lighting of the scene, mainly because it gives me perspective of what I’m working with. Blocking is an element of storytelling I’m used to from theatre, that I tragically lose in prose, which is why sometimes my fics come across as over-explained and over-written: it’s me compensating for the loss of the stage/set as an extra space. Sorry for everyone who has to suffer through it lol.]
“I could’ve been naked,” he comments idly, still focused on rinsing shampoo out of Daegal’s fur. For an entire week of chaos and migraines and spiralling into an endless abyss, grooming his daughter has calmed his singed nerves more than any of those ASMR videos Jeno recommends. She remains quiet and compliant in his arms, unruffled by Renjun’s choice entrance. [That’s because she’s his daughter too :’)]
“I made a PowerPoint,” Renjun declares loudly. “I also got you sushi, but the PowerPoint is more important.” [This feels like a very teacher thing to do, and a very Renjun thing to do, so I included the PowerPoints as a gag.]
“I’m sure it is.” [Unfortunately for Chenle, the only times he encounters PowerPoints are during meetings he doesn’t want to sit through.]
“The first slide says in all caps, ‘WE’RE FUCKED’.”
“I’m sure it does.”
“The rest of the slides are itemised solutions that we can enact A-S-A-P.” [Do people say ASAP as a-sap (like the STAYC song) or a-s-a-p? I say a-sap but my friends make fun of me for it.]
“I’m sure they are.”
“Can you act like you actually—?!” [Something Lydia starlikeeyes naitangs you know her you love her pointed out to me recently is that I use a lot of italics and since then, I can’t unsee it. I DO USE A LOT OF ITALICS. It’s because (also theatre related) I’m so used to specific deliveries for lines, and specific cadence that I want sentences to be read as. However, upon reflection, I think it comes off as a little too dictatorial over how the words should be read. Look at me, finding places to improve on my writing with the help of my friends. This is my formal apology. Please forgive me LOL. I’ll try to fix it in the future, I promise.] Daegal whimpers at the sudden spike in Renjun’s volume and Renjun sighs, lowering his voice back down. “Can you act like you actually give a shit?”
“Why don’t we just come clean?” Chenle huffs. He did his fair share of stressed pacing around his office and his apartment while his phone blew up with congratulations from people he hadn’t talked to since college, and out of the choices he considered in the past week, opening up about their scheme is by far the most reasonable. [r/advice my real estate agent (28M) is too wrapped up in marital problems to explain the bathrooms of my house to me wwyd] “Admit that we lied for the discounts. That’s the obvious solution here. It would leave us with the least number of loose strings to tie up, and we can wrap up the rest of the fake engagement shit we have planned.”
“I knew you would say that so I made another PowerPoint about why that’s a terrible idea,” Renjun counters.
“Daegal, tell your dad to stop making PowerPoints, because I’m not reading them.”
Daegal remains silent.
“Daegal, tell your other dad that I’m going to read them to him anyway.”
Daegal barks, and Chenle groans. Renjun grins in triumph.
“Slide one: Reasons why admitting to our lie is a bad idea. Slide two: Reason one—too many people know. I put the selfie the others sent when we were in China, with a big one tear sad face emoji next to it for the graphics, by the way. Our colleagues, all of our mutual friends, hell, your brother made a WeChat group with the two of us to send a voice memo about it!” [I always unconsciously put societal homophobia into writing because it’s so crucial to my lived experience as a queer Asian man, but I always wonder if anyone actually cares about it. Would you guys prefer if I just omitted the homophobia parts entirely, instead of sprinkling it in for the sake of realism and not elaborating on it because it’s just a “life” thing?]
“We can come up with a breakup story and slip it into conversation if needed, the way we’ve been doing about our engagement. How much harder can it be? Our friends can even help us. If we get Donghyuck to fake gossip, the entire city would know about it in a weekend.”
“Slide three!” Renjun continues. “Reason two—the staff we worked with are still invested in our lives. You still have to buy your furniture and I still have to pick up my new suit, and we’ll lose both of those if we break up too soon. If our friends are in on this, do you know how many liabilities that opens up? Mark can’t keep a secret to save his life! Half the discounts I found were referred to me by the services Mark and Jisung are hiring, the risk is too high.”
“Why do you care so much about those stupid discounts anyway? That’s what got us into this mess in the first place, don’t you think it’s time to let them go? GÄ“, all of these reasons are non-issues, you know that.” [All of the reasons why Renjun has been weird about Chenle are non-issues, and this is sort of an underhanded statement in that way. A lot of this fic is dedicated to exploring how Renjun is all about subtleties, double meanings, and between-the-lines shit, while Chenle is upfront and direct. It’s one of the best ways to spin tension out of RenLe, even in an otherwise not that tense fic like this one.]
“I just—”
Daegal interrupts whatever spiel Renjun has planned with a loud snarl [Unlike Renjun, the dreamies don’t spend as much time around her, so they’re considered strangers in her eyes. Mainly because Chenle is too busy working to let them hang around her.] as she wriggles out of Chenle’s arms, still half-wet. She bounds out of the bathroom and skids down the hallway, so loud that Chenle almost doesn’t hear the front door clicking open.
Renjun frowns and looks out of the bathroom. “I could’ve sworn I locked the—” [He DID lock the door, Jaemin just knows where the spare key is.]
He shrieks as someone flies down the hall and tackles him to the ground.
Chenle is on his feet in an instant, grabbing the dog hair dryer [These things are the goofiest looking things I’ve ever seen. BRB lemme VACUUM MY DOG] next to him to use as self defence, when Jeno pokes his head around the door frame with an eye smile.
Chenle glances down.
On the floor, Renjun flails underneath Donghyuck, who has a cone party hat strapped to his head and keeps trying to kiss his cheek. They’re both screaming something in Korean that Chenle can’t understand.
“Congrats,” Jeno says warmly as he takes the hair dryer out of Chenle’s hands and envelopes [I searched for so long to see if it’s “envelops” or “envelopes” and I still don’t know] him in a tight hug. “Sorry for not texting you sooner. I’m not that mad you didn’t tell me first.”
Fuck.
Over his shoulder, Chenle meets Renjun’s gaze, and he can tell his stomach is sinking too. [Levels again: Chenle standing up, Renjun on the ground.]
Jeno nudges Chenle out of the bathroom, where Jisung is quickly scattering rose petals and confetti all over his living room. In the kitchen, Mark slaps Jaemin’s arm and says in a “low” voice far too loud to hide anything, “Hey, I told you not to write that! We’re supposed to be supportive, man!”
[Can I just say, I hate writing ensemble scenes so much? Seven people is so many people to keep track of and to balance in terms of conversation, it’s TOUGH.]
They both notice Chenle at the same time, and Mark rushes to wave his arms in front of whatever Jaemin is unboxing, blocking it from view. “Ignore this! We’re really happy for you, we’re just surprised by the announcement!” In his shitty stage voice again, he hisses, “Chenle, bro, I promise I didn’t tell a soul! I had no clue you put a ring on him, that’s how you know it was all Donghyuck!”
Unperturbed, Jaemin shoves Mark aside with an eerie smile. He spins around a store-bought sheet cake with the words Congratulations on lying to your best friends for five years! [I wonder what the cake decorator at the supermarket thought about this.] and says, “You two have some explaining to do.”
His bone-chilling tone makes the entire apartment go quiet, quiet enough to hear the drop of a pin and the soft panting from Daegal and—
“Are you crying?” Chenle squawks, as Jisung’s sniffles break up the room.
“Sorry, all week I’ve been—yeah,” he murmurs, rubbing his eyes. Some confetti sticks to his hair. “I just—I always knew, but I can’t believe I never asked. You two are my best friends and I—I was never there for any of your moments together. I never got to be what you two were for me.” [Throughout the course of RenLe’s odd back and forth relationship in this fic, Jisung witnessed all of it unfold and had no idea how to step in and course correct. In another version of this fic, Chenle and Renjun shared Jisung’s best man position, and argued every step of the way about the planning of the wedding. It didn’t feel realistic to Jisung though, so I switched to best man and officiant.]
The words make his bottom lip tremble, and Chenle has to force himself to look down at the cake to avoid the needles Jisung’s tears send into his gut. The monologue he has memorised about the engagement, the winter wedding, the tropical honeymoon [All these ideas, I tried to pull from things Chenle has said on ChenRa], all of it evaporates off his tongue, as does the long confession he drafted in Outlook instead of paying attention to conference calls. He wanted this conversation to happen over takeout and another rewatch of Kimi no Na wa, not in the middle of some shitty surprise engagement party while he has to witness his best friend’s heart breaking over a lie gone out of control.
For the first time since the start of what’s quickly becoming the worst bit Chenle has ever committed to in his entire life, Renjun takes the first line of the improvised script.
“Jisung, do you remember when you and Mark were preparing to move into the bookstore? You asked me why I wasn’t looking for a roommate even though I couldn’t afford to pay the full rent of our apartment at the time.”
Renjun pads across the hardwood and wraps his arms around Jisung, running a gentle hand through Jisung’s hair when he ducks his head to nod into Renjun’s shoulder. [My universemates…] Everyone turns to stare at them, watching, waiting.
“Chenle—” Renjun swallows. “Chenle proposed to me then. [“Proposed” for Renjun to move in with him, which ended in a horrible argument; I alluded to it in the book store scene. Renjun just started working at his school, finally recovered from his wrist injury, and was learning how to be his own independent person again, which is why he reacted so poorly to Chenle’s proposal.] August twenty-fifth. [Heh] I was fucking terrified.”
His laugh is choked, so convincing [Because it’s REAL. Renjun’s struggle in defining his independence is part of his character journey, and I thought it contrasted well with someone like Chenle, who’s so confident and self-assured.] it sends a chill down Chenle’s spine and a hitch in his lungs.
“I had barely started in a field I never expected myself to end up in, with two degrees that set me back years, all while Chenle was doing so well for himself, more than I ever could, on top of looking after all my messes and my mistakes. We fought over everything then, because being casual wasn’t enough [During their time as roommates, and when they came together again after Renjun’s broken wrist, something Renjun observes about Chenle is that Chenle cannot do casual whatsoever, and the string of breakups in his wake all come from being way too committed to someone who can’t reciprocate. IMO, that’s one of the reasons why Renjun doesn’t confess to him earlier—he can’t promise he knows how to commit to something with that level of attention] but being closed meant committing to something neither of us could look in the eye [This is the closest Renjun gets to admitting how he felt about their friendship/relationship before the bathtub confession], and I knew I needed to be my own self first before I could be his. How could I tell you—any of you—about us when I was barely a part of our relationship?
“It’s been a long time since then, and I’m doing so much better now. I have savings and tenure and I’m finally ready for a new home [Literally. Remember, they’re both moving.].” With careful hands, Renjun pushes Jisung back up so he can walk over to Chenle and lace their fingers together. They’re so cold and clammy, Chenle resists his instinctual flinch. [I don’t know why, but internal temperature difference is something I like giving RenLe. Dongbei boy runs cold, Huadong boy runs hot.] “Finally ready for a person to call home.”
Chenle can’t avoid eye contact now, and the expression Renjun fixes on him is far too raw for comfort. [“Because it’s real, ARE YOU DUMB???” I continue to say, several months after I wrote his character with my own ten fingers.]
“Why are you doing this?” he whispers in Mandarin [I love codeswitching, I overuse it but actually I don’t because I don’t think it can ever be overused.], praying it sounds romantic instead of panicked, “I thought we had a plan—”
“Kiss me.”
“I—what—?” [This is not italicised because Chenle switched to English for this out of surprise, but you can’t tell because I’m so bad with italics LOL.]
“Kiss me, Zhong Chenle.”
Chenle’s body moves before his mind does.
He pulls back a second later, licking the peach balm off his lips in a daze.
Renjun looks over [at the dreamies, to gauge their reactions] but is interrupted by Mark crushing the two of them in a hug, all the strength in his wiry muscle squeezing the two of them in a vice grip.
Soon enough, the others have joined in, surrounding them in warmth that burns underneath Chenle’s skin.
The rest of the night is muted, livelier once they start laughing and splitting the cake [and the sushi. I forgot to include the sushi that Renjun got him LMFAO] amongst themselves, though Chenle can’t shake off the feeling of a saw blade hanging over his head, waiting to drop and slice him in half at a moment’s notice. Cracking open a bottle of wine, making fun of Donghyuck’s pathetic dating history, and cleaning up the floor together helps ease some of the tension, even if Jeno and Donghyuck stop halfway to play with Daegal instead; sweeping gets repetitive fast, however, and all of Chenle’s anxiety is back to ping ponging around his skull as he’s saying goodbye.
On the other side of the spectrum, Jisung looks at him with all the love in the world in his eyes. “Every year from now is going to be better than the last,” he says softly. “Every year, you’re going to be so much happier than you ever thought you could be, I promise.”
Beside him, Mark kisses his cheek and beams at Chenle. In the worst Mandarin Chenle’s heard in his entire life, he vows, “Don’t worry guys, we’re here now!” [For this Mark line, and also what Jisung wrote on the note in the engagement suite later in the fic are pulled directly from things Mark and Jisung have said IRL. I generally try to include a few real life dialogue bits because I think it centres the fic more as a ~fic~, if that makes sense.]
Closing the door on them with a soft good night is harder than any deal he’s tried to strike in his whole career.
Renjun is picking up a single remaining slip of glittery confetti out of Chenle’s houseplant when he turns around.
When they make eye contact, Chenle declares quietly, “We’re fucked.”
[One of my favourite things about RenLe is when they argue over nothing, which is why I tend to struggle writing RenLe arguments that carry much more weight, like this one. Fundamentally, RenLe aren’t that different from each other: even though they’re quite opposite with their self-expression, they process things similarly and have similar emotional thresholds. It’s what makes their arguments carry so much simmering weight—they both understand each other intrinsically, they both feel the exact same way, but their approaches to solving it are always going to be diametrically opposed and it makes their arguments uglier and scarier. This scene, the bathtub scene, and the book store scene are where that contrast comes up the heaviest. They’re yin and yang to me, existing within each other, balanced yet always threatening to break the cycle into chaos.]
